My First Review For Moradeke…

Hey all, so I got my first review although the reviewer claims it’s an unofficial review, still, I’m ecstatic to get this and though it should be for my eyes only, I’m ‘moved’ to publish it. Maybe others will do things like this and send to me. Maybe.

Not to waste all of your time, please enjoy his review…

 

OBSERVATIONS

HIGH POINTS

 The story is particularly interesting in the choice of subject matter. Good karma story. Randy incestuous daughter and father ends up getting the repercussions for there efforts.  The story also shows the richness of the first person point of view where the depth of the emotions of the storyteller is felt by the reader first hand.

Great combination of wits, sharp sarcastic remarks, long and short sentences, relaxed informal writing are some of the fine points of the work. Even the twist at the end (turning to religion for solution), is quiet impressive.

CRITIC

But again, I think there is a sustained strenuous effort to impress more then there is to express. Explanations are some times lengthy, characters appears and disappear, a few typos here and there. Below are some of the observed….

  1. I ended it right there,[.] I cried for days then made up my mind…

 

  1. Restructure paragraph 3. The character with the name Dare just dropped from no where. Is he the one in paragraph 2? If yes link them.

 

  1. Paragraph 3 line 2, too long sentence: …I had been on too many tours and I was coming back home,[.] unfortunately…

 

  1. Paragraph 3 line 2 : “….unfortunately, what I thought and what happened were two different things…”(could read “Unfortunately, home had something else for me.”

 

  1. Paragraph 4 Characters Jide and Tomiwa just landed. Who are they?  Especially to the main character.

 

  1. Paragraph 5 line 3 “…save for dad and I(me).”

 

  1.  [Y]young lady

 

  1. just the three of us[.], Abdul – the driver –

 

  1. Para 13 “The following day, mum left, dad, though he didn’t really need to went to work and I was left by myself at home.( Unclear. Restructure.)”

 

  1. Para 14 – It is said, ‘an idle hand is the devil’s workshop’ [.]

 

  1. Para 14 Line3 & 4 “I did,[.]”  “No matter(what), this would be the night”

 

 

Moradeke #2

 

  1. Para 7 line 1&3 “I met him focused on the news on CNN,(so) I shook the bottle well”  “…too good,(that) I wanted to make him my lover.”

 

  1. walai ….If it is the Hausa word for  “I mean it”, it is spelt Wanlahi.

 

  1. Para 18 Mojo means “magic spell”. But I can’t connect how it relates to the “… insatiable taste thing….” Then in the last line, “How do I know?” No answer followed onwards.

 

  1. Last para of Moradeke 2 is unclear. E.g “It made sense then, all the while he asked mum to raise her glass and toast something.” What did?

 

  1. Who is Tinuke and who is Deke?

 

 

Moradeke #4

 

  1. Para 2, “celebrating her fiftieth” what?

 

  1. Cele?

 

  1. . ‘That one can hear God,(?) (A)abegi!’

 

But in all, this work is a great effort one must commend. Please, write more.

Thanks.

 

Reviewer: George Onunkwo

 

If you haven’t read the story, you can download Moradeke here

Please check it out and do share your views on whether or not this review was good or not…

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