I have never written a play in my life, I write all sorts, but not plays. So when my cousin comes home and asks me to write a play for his radio show, I knew I was, well, for lack of a weightier expression fucked! I hinted that I may not really be in the best frame of mind to write it, but dude didn’t catch on to my euphemism. So he wouldn’t take no and just free me. He then enlisted my sister’s help and you know how women are when they want you to do something for them and you’re dallying… :x.
So this is me, attempting my first play. Hope it doesn’t bore you too much. It’s supposed to be something they can enact in five minutes or less, so thankfully, it’ll be a short (play) ;). Here goes nothing:
Cast: Dapo, Chinedu and Obinna, three friends living in the village. They are mostly loafers, always drinking and making merry.
Belle, the most beautiful girl in the village. Obinna desires her.
IYA LASISI’s BAR
It was just two in the afternoon and the sun seemed to be on a mission to extinguish the human race. The three friends sat in their usual spot, three half filled calabashes sat on the table. They sat there, nursing their drink, and waxing philosophical.
Dapo: I don taya for this kain life oo. Shuo, wetin all these people want make I do na?
Chinedu: Tah! Gerraway there. You be one ungrateful bastard walai. School, you nor gree go; work, na so so drag we dey drag you go. You no wan do anything with your life. Your papa (he carried his palmwine and nestled it close to his bosom), God bless am still con arrange woman for you, you say you taya. If I hear! (He took a long gulp of the wine and smacked his lips wen he had emptied the calabash.
Dapo: You no go understand Edu, if na you your papa begin go follow that girl family talk, you go gree marry am?
Chinedu: (laughs) at least I complete secondary school na. You this primary school illiterate. Come, how your life take spoil reach like this sef?
Dapo: (angry) Wa, iwo omo y’ibo olori nla yi, so ara e oo. (He picks his calabash and empties its content.
All the while, Obinna sat there, lost in thought. Oblivious of his friends disagreement.
Dapo: (snaps his fingers) ogbeni Obinna, are you back to dreamland? Wake up oo. Na you dey declare the next round.
Obinna: (jumps) wah, wetin? (He had spilled his drink.
Chinedu: (laughing) God do well as he take make una two friends, walai. See this one (points at Dapo) dey run from wife wey be say na hin go marry. And you (he faces Obinna) wey dey always daydream about girl so tey you don begin kolo…
Obinna: Nna mechionu there. What is your business with my life? I see fine girl like am, na crime?
Chinedu: No. But if you no fit open mouth even greet the girl, your life don pafuka be that. Another person wen sabi talk go carry the girl go.
Dapo: (laughing uncontrollably) these una afternoon dramas dey always sweet me for belle walai. But wait oo, mr know all, no be dodge you dodge the day wen see amaka for road? Wetin con give you right to dey yab us?
Obinna: (serious) bia, oya answer. Sebi you no dey run from woman.
Chinedu: (frets) ehn… Ehn…
Dapo: (still laughing) chai, bros nor fit talk oo, wahala don dey. See as hin dey talk since begin yab us anyhow. You come pregnant girl, she say make you come see her papa you begin run. When you dey dance fuji on top am, e dey sweet you for body oo. (Turns to Obinna) biko declare another round, my tongue don dey dry.
Obinna: Osho free go kill you one day. You better begin change. (He calls the attendant) Abeg bring more palmie.
At that time, as always, she appeared on the horizon. Obinna froze. His demeanor changed, and his eyebrows arched.
Chinedu: (turns to see her) today na today. Best of luck friend. (He extends his hand)
Obinna: (slaps away Chinedu’s hand, he was focused on the approaching girl. He was tired of been picked on by his friends who knew no better. He takes a step forward and the world spurn. He could swear the earth was running. He stood still and the dizziness passed.
Dapo: (smiles) finally, bros don become man. Best of luck out there… (He raised his refilled calabash)
Obinna steps out of the joint, straightened his shirt and dusted his jeans. He waited till she got close before stepping onto the road to accost her.
Obinna: Nne, good afternoon, abeg I wan see you oo.
Belle: (eyes him suspiciously) biko, why oo?
Obinna: just come this side (he points to a shed) make we talk small…
Belle: (thinks for a second) oya make we go.
Inside the joint, Dapo was jumping and dancing to Chinedu’s chagrin.
Chinedu: wetin con be your own now?
Dapo: if you never realise am, Obinna don toast Belle. (He gulps the remainder of his drink and set the calabash down still smiling.)