Kulikuli

I’m a foodie. I know it, my family knows it and my friends are learning to live with it. :d I like food, especially if it’s a snack, or what the Americans have aptly termed junk food. Once I don’t have to be actively involved in the preparation of a meal, you can assign me the role of levelling any height of food, and I’ll oblige willingly (did I hear someone say pari olodo?).

Well, I love food; can’t deny that, a healthy appetite is always cool for a man. And ladies have found my consuming abilities sexy and desirable =)) which brings me to the crux of this write up. See, as much as I like home made meals, I gotta say junk food trumps that: always.

There was this time I was craving puff-puff for weeks. It got so bad, I swear I may have dreamt about it. Okay scratch that, truth is for weeks, I was on the look out for puff-puff sellers and even had to walk long distances hoping to find a hawker, nada! Then one cool sunday afternoon after church, pips were still trooping out from the service when, I spied it.

The way I pushed and shoved, to get out of the procession, you would think I was on my way to claim a million or something bigger. Instead, right there, I screamed ‘puff-puff!’ The hawker was embarrassed, me, I just got those puff-puff balls and started tossing them in my mouth: right there. I was oblivious to the milling crowd around me, and they did well to avoid me. It was a perfect moment to satisfy a craving.

I remember in secondary school, just before senior WAEC, I was trying to score this transfer student I had a massive crush on. That afternoon, our final teacher had decided we weren’t worth his time and so did not show for his class. I turned entertainer and was doing my Basketmouth routine. I was so on point that day, that all the girls that sat in front of me couldn’t stop laughing. I had her pegged: the idea was to ask her then. Her friends would compel her and all would be well; and then, it happened.

Like the action score of a James Bond flick that creeps up on you silently, the aroma, frail, imperceptible wafted to my nose. My hairs tingled, I stopped talking for two seconds; that was all the mistake I needed to make. The aroma, grew stronger. I raised my nose and took a deep breath, inhaling the glorious smell as I allowed the rich aroma course through me. My next words lost my audience. ‘Who dey sell groundnut?’ I asked and they all gave me weird looks. Apparently, their perceptive faculties weren’t that refined, or so I thought.

Then I made the ultimate mistake. I poked my head out of the window and saw the hawker selling guguru and epa (popcorn and groundnut). To say I was tempted is a lie, once I saw, I jumped out the window and made my way to the woman. I was almost halfway to the hawker, when I heard her call. ‘Derin, where are you going?’ I did not bother to answer as I made my way to the woman, bought me a large mound, and went back to class. By the time I got back, my audience had dispersed. Years later, she confided that my compulsion to eat junk especially on the road was the turn off for her. How was I to know, egbami!

Anyways, that one is ancient history. I have matured, or so I’ve been lying to myself. Recently, I went to see my friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. Whilst lounging and gisting on his porch, we saw this cute girl living on his street. Since I was perpetually on his case to hook me up, he thought it might be a good time to introduce us. So, he calls out, ‘Florence, hey!’ She smiled and waved, he gestures for her to come and she complied.

Trust girls, it was as though he had given her a fore-warning that I would be there that day. The way she was sashaying and all, I was going mental. If eyeballs popped out of their sockets for real, like in animated movies, then, I probably would have lost my eyes that day. Long story short, I was hooked and there seemed to be nothing that could break the connection that was being forged between me and the girl… I was wrong.

It was at that very moment that this hawker decides to make a cameo, as my eyes were fixated on the girl approving of the merchandise, I caught a peripheral sight in the background. Kulikuli! I was back in primary school having fights with my brothers and friends over the really long ones. Needless to say, it took all of two seconds to see, and in that time I was already on my feet, hailing the woman to stop, so I could buy some.

My friend’s jaw dropped, like me I care abi? The girl hid behind my padi, not wanting to be publicly seen around me. And ignoramus me, bought enough kulikuli for the three of us to have a good time. Dude didn’t even bother introducing us, he just discharged the babe after a few minutes. The girl couldn’t even look me in the eye, I mean, for all my tushness, I had just ‘felled’ their hands… On top kulikuli.